


Keeping you frozen

by merui021



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, i'm so sorry i don't know what happened here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 19:05:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5386982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merui021/pseuds/merui021
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo was like ice: cold but stable, solid for Jongin to touch. His arms are Jongin's safe haven, the only one that keeps the dancer stable, the one that gives him strength. </p>
<p>But as soon as ice melts, it becomes water, becomes impossible to grasp. </p>
<p>Kyungsoo is becoming like water, and Jongin watches as he slowly slips through his fingers at the moment he needed him the most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeping you frozen

**Author's Note:**

> A/N There are some mentions of events that happened in real life but it might not be in chronological order. I just placed them in times where I think they can fit right into the story I am making. :)

 

Jongin has one thing that he treasures the most. 

 

Dancing.

 

He always loved how he can move with the music; his every move telling a story, every flick of his finger and every step showing raw emotion. Dancing has always been his outlet since he was a kid, always been something that helps him in expressing the emotions hidden deep inside him. He's never fond of expressing himself through words, only expressing through his body, through his actions.  

 

 

Jongin danced the first time he received a trophy in a dancing competition; 

he danced when he first topped a school-wide examination; 

danced the first time he confessed to someone he loves; 

danced the first time his heart was broken;

danced when he started hearing his parents screaming venomous words towards each other every night;

danced when his sister stopped talking to him and started locking herself indoors;

 danced when his friends started finding new groups to hang out with;

 

  _and danced when he realized he's all alone and no one is there for him anymore._

_Dancing was the only thing left for him and he grasped it hard so as not to let go._

 

He cried through his body, through every step he made. At times when he finishes a routine, his eyes were wet and there were tear-tracks lining down his face. 

Dancing is perfect for him. It has always been the only one for him.

He has nothing else but dancing, so he woke up every morning to dance and dance and dance until he's sated.  Then he wakes up the next morning and does it again. It was a routine he never grew tired of. He was contented with what he has. 

Time never waits for anyone and before Jongin knows it, he's reached the age where he needs to make a decision on how he will live his life. He needs to decide for his future: on what he will take as his job, what course he will apply for. Jongin didn't see the reason why this part of life is a dilemma for many. He knows what he wants to do and he knows it from the start.

He wants to dance. When and where he does it, he doesn't care. 

He applies and auditions for an entertainment company of his choice and he was accepted. Jongin was genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, his body and mind tingling with the positive comments he was given. 

He happily packs his things and moved to the company dorm, ready to train and to learn. He wanted more of those accepting words and he'll do his best to have more. He didn't even spare his house a glance when he stepped on the bus that will carry him away from everything he was used to.

 

 =====

 

Life as a trainee wasn't as easy as Jongin thought of it to be. It was hard and ruthless, tiring and scarring. He's mentally and physically tired everyday, ready to just faint on his bed when he reached his dormitory. 

He didn't mind that much though, he still has his dancing and as long as he has it, everything's fine. He'll always be fine. 

Even if he's sitting alone in one corner of the dance practice room looking at all the other trainees laughing, smiling and bonding, he's fine.  

He's all alone but he's fine.

 

_Everything's fine._

 

He tells himself this whenever he catches himself staring up at the ceiling at night, on the verge of breaking into tears. 

He whispers it to himself as a mantra until he falls asleep, his hands clutching his sheets as hard as he can. 

What's the use of tears, when he's perfectly fine? 

 

=====

 

Four years flew by and Jongin learned a lot of things. He learned how to dance a variety of styles, learned how to project in front of the camera, learned how to smile even if it's the last thing he wants to do, learned the ways of an idol. Most importantly, he learned how to deal with the pressure and the sadness when dancing isn't enough for him anymore. 

He first made the deep cut when he lost the ability to dance for a week. His hips too painful for him to even move, he was forced to not be present in the dance rehearsals. He's finally in the line up for debut and he felt like he messed up. He never realized the consequences of his actions until he got injured. It was his fault, he overworked himself. He did not take care of himself when it's the most important rule of all. It was even emphasized everyday by his teachers and instructors. He's just stupid, he thought he can handle it all when he actually can't.

Jongin saw it being done by many trainees in his four-year stay in the company. The trainees placed it on strategic locations where people wouldn't easily see it, a place that is always covered by their clothes - only to be seen when they willingly strip for the other person. Jongin did it many times before as well, placed it on his inner thighs as punishment when he didn't manage to do enough. He did it even if the result of his performance was positive and he did it even if he was praised so much that he became the main dancer in the boy group that was set to debut the next year. Whenever he felt like his performance isn't up to par with his standards, he leaves a light and barely bleeding cut on his skin; a remembrance of his failure in something he loves the most.

Singing is in a different story because he knows that he doesn't sing that well to be always praised by his mentors. Though whenever he felt like he sank lower than the singing level he was currently on, he leaves a cut on his inner thigh as a good memento. 

He doesn't leave a deep cut on his skin until the moment he got injured. Once he was alone in the dorm where he and his group members stay, he grabbed his blade and spread his legs; lower body clad only with his boxers. Without a moment's hesitation, he dragged the sharp blade on the skin of his inner thigh with a hiss, blood oozing out into his bed sheets. He never bled like this from cutting, and he was mesmerized as he watched the vibrant red flowing down his tanned thighs and mixing with the whiteness of his sheets. The pain in his thigh made him sigh softly, his body going boneless on his bed. The pain is always unwelcome, but if it can distract Jongin from the pain of his hip and of life in general, he'll wrap his arms around it wholeheartedly. 

He did it again the next day, and the pain was enough for him to remember that he needs to be better and stronger. He needs to be more than who he is now. 

He managed to join the rehearsals after a week, doing his best to keep up and outshine not his band members, but the Jongin who was dancing a week ago. He got positive remarks for his efforts, but he still placed lines and lines of red on his body. He felt the itch to make himself bleed hard again, but it's only reserved to when he messed things up a lot. He also cannot afford the limping that it will give him when the cut is too deep. 

======

He was first discovered when he was cutting himself after he filmed his first teaser for their debut. He was tired, so tired that he forgot to lock the door when he went inside his room. He was in the middle of placing the third cut on his thigh when Kyungsoo walked inside the room to find something he left that morning. Kyungsoo froze in front of him just as the blood started oozing out of the fresh wound, eyes wide and shocked, lips parted still because he stopped right in the middle of asking Jongin something. Jongin is as speechless as the older, his hand hovering just on top of his thighs as it grasps the blade calmly, as if the sharp object isn't something that can hurt him. 

He never wanted to be discovered like this because he will need to explain himself. Jongin does not want to explain himself. He's in his safe little bubble and he's not planning to let anyone else enter it. 

Without a word, he stood up and ran as fast as he could to the bathroom, locking himself in at the same time that Kyungsoo started knocking on the door. Jongin closed his eyes and tried to will the sound away from his mind, his hand turning on the shower head. Cold water instantly poured on him; his teeth started clattering and he felt like he's freezing, but it was enough for him to be distracted from the knocking and he's fine with that. Jongin stood under the shower for what seems like a long time before he stepped away. His skin is all cold and he's trembling. He's still wearing his boxers and he also forgot his towel outside. The knocks already stopped a long while ago, so maybe it's already okay for Jongin to go out of the bathroom. 

With the deepest breath he can muster, he opened the door and peered out, heaving a sigh of relief when he sees no one.

He sees a pack of bandages on his freshly changed bed sheets though, and a note that reads "It's safe with me."

Jongin doesn't know what that means exactly but he can feel the pressure on his shoulders subsiding, his muscles relaxing.

 

=====

 

In the next day of filming, Jongin was surprised when Kyungsoo came with him, saying that he's curious on how the filming works. Jongin knows that's not the truth, judging by how he keeps getting distracted by the older's eyes, watching him from afar. He has a good guess on the real reason why his teammate came with him, and Jongin doesn't know if he likes it or not. He's uncomfortable by the sudden concern he's being given and he doesn't know how to react.  

Halfway into the filming,  Jongin has convinced himself that what Kyungsoo is giving him isn't concern, but pity. The older is pitying him and now Jongin knows how he feels about the whole situation. He doesn't like it one bit, being pitied isn't something he wants. With this thought in his mind, he started ignoring the older; not talking to him, not taking the water being given to him and not looking at him in general. He forces himself not to be bothered by the hurt blatantly displayed on Kyungsoo's features when he thinks no one is looking. 

When the filming is only three-fourths done and they're almost a day into it without sleep, Jongin thinks that he need to rethink his theory on the matter as he looks at Kyungsoo's face while he's sleeping on one of the chairs littered around the filming site. His hands are clutching a towel and a water bottle: both of the things he kept giving Jongin whenever he finishes dancing in front of the camera. The day of filming is really cold, but the older didn't show how uncomfortable he is being out at this type of a day. He even followed the filming crew outside when they changed locations to an open road for their filming, all the while acting like he's Jongin's personal assistant; holding all of the younger male's things plus the towel and the trusty water bottle. 

Jongin closed his eyes and sighed. He felt like he lost a competition when he took his jacket out of his bag and softly placed it on Kyungsoo's shoulders as carefully as he can so he wouldn't be jostled out of his sleep. 

 

 ====

 

Jongin has two things he treasures the most. 

The first one of course, is dancing. 

The second one? Do Kyungsoo. 

 

Kyungsoo taught Jongin how vibrant life is, that it is actually fun and enjoyable and not the black and white world that he only saw whenever he opens his eyes. He's like a ray of sunshine, bright and warm for Jongin to touch no matter how cold and impassive he looks like in the outside. He taught Jongin the joy of having a large group of people working with him in every song and dance routine that they have. 

Kyungsoo is someone who's like ice for Jongin. Someone who's seemingly cold and stable to the touch. Jongin thinks he's his own safe haven. The place he always yearns to be at the end of the day no matter what state he is in. He doesn't know what his feelings are but he's sure of one thing: Kyungsoo makes Jongin stable. He makes Jongin do things he didn't dare do before and experience things he never experienced before. He opened Jongin's eyes to a lot of good things in life. He made Jongin see wider, eyes opened more to the world that he is in.

Kyungsoo's the reason why Jongin managed to reach out to the other members. Small and awkward at first, but bold enough to talk conversationally with the others. It was a bit of a shock, but when he was welcomed with open arms, Jongin started wondering why he didn't approach them the moment they met each other. They made him smile and laugh, and Jongin felt like he has a group of people who actually accepts him for who he is. His eyes darted at the couch where Kyungsoo is sitting, smiling at his direction while watching the group talk to each other. He smiled back genuinely to the person who he cares for the most. 

Months and then years passed by, but Jongin did not cut himself even once.  For that, he's proud of himself. 

He's been through tough times but the thought of Kyungsoo with him makes him feel a whole lot better. 

His fans makes him smile all the time, stopping him from entering his dark thoughts. 

His teammates started to really matter as well and Jongin finds himself caring for them a whole lot more than he can admit. 

 

Jongin wonders if he should place his teammates in the list of things he really treasures the most. 

 

====

 

His teammates never reached the list.

Jongin felt like a large crack was made when one of them suddenly leaves without a word. He just stood still while everyone was expressing their own feelings of dread and sadness. He feels like he can't breathe, something clogging his chest from taking in air. 

He searched for one person in all of the commotion, he just needs one hug, one word of comfort, and he'll be alright again. He'll be stable and everything will be fine. 

The moment he's caged in Kyungsoo's arms, he started bawling, burying his face on the stable shoulder of the person that's holding him tight. 

Since then, he's been seeking the other's warmth every night and day, trying his best in gaining the hugs and the touches he needs to be calm again. He looks at his teammates and feels something wrong, like all of them will suddenly stand up and leave him in the end. 

Only one person wouldn't, and he's sure of it. 

Do Kyungsoo has always been there for him, and he'll always be. 

He needs to be. 

He's Jongin's safe haven after all. 

 

====

 

Kyungsoo has been cast in a drama and Jongin has never been more happy for the other in his life. 

He knows that Kyungsoo will be able to do it right, that he'll be amazing and he'll blow all the people away by his own abilities. 

It's his time to shine and Jongin is ecstatic. 

For the first time in a long time, he's happy. Jongin started smiling all the time and being hyper in their concerts, giving all of the love that he was not able to give while his mood was in the gutter. Everyone noticed the change and they're happy with it. 

Jongin happily sends Kyungsoo to his first filming, cheering him on the best he can. 

 

====

 

Kyungsoo is still in the cast of the drama and Jongin has never been more anxious because of the other in his life. 

Kyungsoo is almost never there in their dorm. He isn't able to attend some of their group activities as well. He's always filming, having the time of his life with the casts of the drama. 

Jongin yearns for the touches he can't have, he's yearning for the words and comfort he isn't able to have for a long time now. 

He starts texting Kyungsoo in the dead of the night, asking for him to come back in his arms. Sometimes he gets an apologetic response, sometimes he gets none. 

He can't sleep on the nights when he gets no response. He lays awake on Kyungsoo's bed, staring on the ceiling. 

Everyone gets concerned on his well-being but he brushes them all away, saying he's okay. 

 

_He's okay really. Everything's fine._

 

He says that in his mind like a mantra as he sits on his bed with a blade on his hand and opens his legs, cutting one deep gash on his inner thigh. 

Once the blood started flowing onto the bed and started staining the whiteness of his sheets, the door opened and revealed the sight of Do Kyungsoo who's just came back from filming, looking happy but fatigued. His eyes stopped at the sight on Jongin's bed and he immediately turned cold, expression turning dark and eyes staring at Jongin like he's accusing him of something. He opened his mouth in an attempt to say something but nothing came out. Instead, he turned around on his heel and walked out, slamming the door shut. 

Jongin's eyes watered and he started sobbing his heart out, pressing his face on his pillow as not to make too loud of a sound. He cried himself to sleep, his body buried under the sheets and face covered with the pillow, covering any evidence that he cried that night. 

  
_It's like he's back to where he was before. Except now, he's a lot worse_. 

====

Jongin wakes up in an empty dorm, everyone else having schedules except him. He's having all the day for himself and he never felt so lost. Normally, he heads to the company after breakfast so he can dance the day away without any regret. Now however, he doesn't feel like doing anything. He doesn't feel like moving to the beat of the music as he expresses himself fully to anyone who happens to watch him. Regardless of his mood, he packs up and leaves. 

He can't handle being alone in the space where he was so happy before. 

====

Jongin only has one thing he treasures the most. 

Do Kyungsoo. 

 

He realizes that when he crumples in the middle of the training room, his body not able to dance the way he wants it to. He looks at the mirror and sees Kyungsoo dancing with him and the rest of the team, practicing their song. He looks at his side and sees him singing his heart out as he practices with everything he has. He looks at the floor and sees him laying there while he rests after a grueling routine. Everywhere he looks, Do Kyungsoo is there. 

Do Kyungsoo is in his mind but he's not there beside him. 

He might never be after what he did. After he made him angry like that. 

Jongin froze. 

Do Kyungsoo might never be there beside him again. 

His safe haven. 

The person he cares for the most. 

Gone. 

 

====

 

Jongin only has one thing he treasures the most. 

Do Kyungsoo.

But he's gone. 

 

That's the one thought in Jongin's mind as he sits on his bed with all his clothes on, holding the blade in his hand and the other one lifted up, exposing his wrist. 

He's not trembling at all, hand stable as he placed the deepest cut he can muster on his wrist, looking at all the red flowing out of his skin and dripping down to his bed and staining his clothes. He stared at it until his body started feeling weak, his eyes threatening to close on him. He slowly lowered his body down on the bed until he's peacefully laid down, his hand pressed on the soft fabric of his sheets as it bleeds out quickly, draining all of the life that's left of him. 

He closed his eyes and black envelopes him, pulling him deep deep down into the darkness. 

 

====

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do Kyungsoo has one person he loves the most. 

But as he opens his room door and sees him on the bed, all pale and bled out, he realizes he's gone. 

**Author's Note:**

> A/N  
> I know that Jongin's actions may be a bit exaggerated to many but I have my reasons as to why he is like that. If you can understand what I am going for, then I am thankful because it means that someone out there can understand the path my brain took for this fic. 
> 
>  
> 
> A/N (ver 2)
> 
> I. FINALLY. FINISHED.  
> This fic seriously took a long time for me to finish typing. It is because I found it hard to have the emotion needed for me to move on with the fic.  
> But I am happy that I did finish it. :D
> 
> I am unfamiliar with writing dark/angsty plots because this is the first attempt I made for it.  
> I understand that I am seriously lacking on many things but I will do my best to improve all of this in the future. :)
> 
> As of the moment, I will stick on writing slightly happier plots because this one was a bit more draining than I thought it would be. 
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and please leave comments. :D


End file.
